I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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