she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
