if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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