My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
