Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
