he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
