just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
