I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
