I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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