You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
