There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
