i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
being pregnant is like rehab
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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