I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
