I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
