At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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