get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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