dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's shark week go big or go home
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
