I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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