I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
