So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
