I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
