There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
