Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
