My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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