Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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