we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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