life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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