look no pants
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
