I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
