Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
