My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
