mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize