I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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