I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
