new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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