i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
