Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
