sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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