life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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