My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
