I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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