gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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