I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
