Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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