HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He shit in the fireplace
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