if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
