The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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