At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
