why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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