I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
