there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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