I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
