i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
people are starting to question the shark bite story
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
