ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish I could teleport
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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