If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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