i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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