I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
