I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
