Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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