i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
