at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
