Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
