a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
