i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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