I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
