Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just want to make out with him forever
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
